Fall

I fell at work today. Tried to step over something, foot got caught, down I went. I took a cubicle wall down too.

Instantly my co-workers were at my side, helping me up and asking if I was ok.

I told them to laugh at me.

Throughout the day, as other co-workers arrived, people came by my office, asked me if I was all right. I was honest and told them my knees hurt a bit. That my palms stung. But I didn't care enough for my pride to affected.

By mid day I was limping and walking stiffly. I filled out an accident report. My day continued until it was over. As I was leaving, they told me to take care.

After I got home, the Fella asked if there was anything he could do. I shook my head no.

My back got tighter and my hatred for the stairs grew. I fell into my chair, done.

My mind started to replay the day as my body relaxed. The fall was prominently featured but I still felt oddly detached from the situation. I saw my body falling onto the floor, wobbly bits flying around unattractively. I felt my knees slam into the floor and pain radiate up both legs. I felt the weak cubicle wall break away from it's neighboring panel and I saw my hand reaching for anything to stop the rest of my body from folding.

And I heard concern. Immediately I was surrounded by concerned faces with kind tones in their voices.

 I couldn't say anything except, "Yes, I'm ok."

It wasn't because of the pain that words were lost. It was the compassion coming from my co-workers. I didn't realize how much I needed it.

I told them to laugh at me. Why? Why is it so difficult to let others be kind to me?

My first reaction was to deny that I was hurt. To not show my pain, my....weakness.

I've done that for a long time.  I've been afraid to speak my mind, share my feelings...to be true to me.
It hasn't always been like this but my confidence has been whittled to a sliver. Speaking my mind or sharing my feelings now seems like a weakness I can't afford.  I've become afraid to admit that I'm hurt.