Fall

I fell at work today. Tried to step over something, foot got caught, down I went. I took a cubicle wall down too.

Instantly my co-workers were at my side, helping me up and asking if I was ok.

I told them to laugh at me.

Throughout the day, as other co-workers arrived, people came by my office, asked me if I was all right. I was honest and told them my knees hurt a bit. That my palms stung. But I didn't care enough for my pride to affected.

By mid day I was limping and walking stiffly. I filled out an accident report. My day continued until it was over. As I was leaving, they told me to take care.

After I got home, the Fella asked if there was anything he could do. I shook my head no.

My back got tighter and my hatred for the stairs grew. I fell into my chair, done.

My mind started to replay the day as my body relaxed. The fall was prominently featured but I still felt oddly detached from the situation. I saw my body falling onto the floor, wobbly bits flying around unattractively. I felt my knees slam into the floor and pain radiate up both legs. I felt the weak cubicle wall break away from it's neighboring panel and I saw my hand reaching for anything to stop the rest of my body from folding.

And I heard concern. Immediately I was surrounded by concerned faces with kind tones in their voices.

 I couldn't say anything except, "Yes, I'm ok."

It wasn't because of the pain that words were lost. It was the compassion coming from my co-workers. I didn't realize how much I needed it.

I told them to laugh at me. Why? Why is it so difficult to let others be kind to me?

My first reaction was to deny that I was hurt. To not show my pain, my....weakness.

I've done that for a long time.  I've been afraid to speak my mind, share my feelings...to be true to me.
It hasn't always been like this but my confidence has been whittled to a sliver. Speaking my mind or sharing my feelings now seems like a weakness I can't afford.  I've become afraid to admit that I'm hurt.

Who Am I?

I think it's normal to forget who you are sometimes. I've already been there a couple times in my life and it seems that I'm currently again on a quest to figure myself out. Maybe it's a little different this time...maybe more of getting reacquainted but my sense of self is definitely not solid.

First, I have to be honest on the inside and admit that I haven't been ok for a little while. It isn't easy. It pisses me off. I'm almost 40 for god's sake. Shouldn't I know who I am by now? Why is my shit still so not together? Why is everything so hard and confusing and changing all the time? What the hell is wrong with me anyway?

And then, very quietly, a little voice reminds me. I'm always changing. Everyone is, all the time. So how can anyone know?

When I get lost in my head like this, that first voice is quite loud. I tend to cry and eat poorly. And generally my hormones are not helping things. Having pms when you're dealing with depression or anxiety is like pouring salt on wounds. It just heightens everything way the fuck up and makes you feel insane. Well, more insane.

My head was spinning with this mantra of Who Am I? when I realized even though I don't feel like I know...maybe I do at least a little.

I'm the one that you use for a job reference when we haven't worked together in ten years.

I'm the one that small kids smile shyly at in line at the grocery store or from the seat in front of me on an airplane or at the booth next to us in a restaurant.

I'm the one stray animals come to.

I'm the one that little old ladies ask for help to reach things on the top shelf.

I'm the one that chats up the barista/waitress/sales clerk and asks how her day is going.

I'm the one that compliments strangers on their clothes, hair, eyes.

I'm the one that you know you can talk to about anything.

I'm the one that knocks. Ok, no-that's a Breaking Bad line, but it made me a chuckle a little as I try to find more things about me that I already am.

I'm the one that buys flowers for no reason except that they were pretty.

I'm the one that will be honest with you. Straight forward, firm when necessary, but always honest.

I'm the one that will give without expecting something in return.

I'm the one that will try every single possible way to make it better before I work on letting it go.

I'm a hard worker.

I have a strong sense of right and wrong. I stand up for what I believe is right and I do it carefully-productively, not angrily.

I speak my mind. Again, carefully because the last thing I want is to hurt someone and have them feel for even a moment that pang of a harsh word.

I believe and see the good in people much sooner than bad. Sometimes, that's a detriment.


And it's partly why I am struggling now.

I've been fascinated with the psychological side of 'bad' people for years. Acts from these individuals are unfathomable to me, yet I am intensely curious to know the 'why' behind their dark behaviors. Why are they mean, unkind, hurtful or even evil? What happened to them? Did anything happen or were they simply a product of nature?

What makes someone manipulative or deceitful? Is it practiced and then perfected? Taught by another? Why do some choose to say hateful things or intentionally seek out others that are more vulnerable?

Why am I not that kind of person and instead am the type I listed above? It's fascinating and interesting to contemplate....when you're not in the middle of it.

That moment when you realize someone isn't as you thought they were is a huge smack in the face for someone like me. An empath, a sensitive soul...It's as though all thoughts of others are connected to this one individual that turned out differently. Suddenly, everyone is an asshole. Or has potential to be one when before they were just slightly annoying.

It's a wicked ride. It's exhausting and stressful and affects parts of me I didn't know could be affected. I eat poorly, I sleep worse, I cry, and it can make me forget who I am sometimes.

As long as I remember I'm not a bad person...maybe that's ok.