Ick

In May I left everything I knew.

My job. My friends. The city I'd grown up in. My independence. I packed up all of my belongings and my cats and headed south to begin a life with The Fella.

Since then I have filed for and been rejected for unemployment. I have filled out numerous applications and sent out what feels like a billion resumes and received only a few canned 'sorry you're not the right fit' responses. I have been built up and hopeful about two job opportunities and then been let down and disappointed, slammed back down to square one. I have had my old landlords bill me for nearly a month's rent with the threat of small claims court. I have had credit card collection agencies call me every day and have had to ask family to help me with finances because I just had no other choice.

I have felt my freedom drip away from me, taking with it my confidence and self esteem. I have felt friendships change and shift as they do and felt the pain in letting go of people I'm familiar with. I have no circle of people that I can be around consistently because of various reasons-their schedules, mine...I have been lonely.

My cat was diagnosed with cancer. It hit me like I never imagined it could and even now as she lays on my shoulder while I type, I know our time is even more limited and it fills me with sadness.

I have gained weight and felt my body become more angry with me for being sedentary and yet I lack the motivation to move. I have felt myself feel more ugly and reminiscent of days long ago when I didn't know who I was. I have stared at my closet and felt myself grow angry at the clothes hanging there because I have no reason to wear them. That doesn't matter much since I have one pair of jeans, one good bra left and I live in my pajamas.

Dad always says that if you can't change something, change the way you feel about it. That's exactly what I'm struggling with. I'm trying like hell to be thankful for all that I do have. There are so many others that have it worse than  do and things are always changing...

I  really try not to focus on the things that feel awful. That feeling of loss of who I used to be. I have tried to grieve my old life and embrace the new life ahead of me but it seems so much harder these days. I don't dislike where I am, in fact I know it's exactly where I should be. But I'm lonely and feel extremely dependent and worthless and terrifically insignificant. I don't want to and I recognize these are not good feelings to have but I can't seem to shake it. It feels too hard right now. I can't even cry anymore. I'm pretty sure the Prozac killed my tear ducts.

This is the part where I usually list all the things I'm feeling positive about and I just don't care today. I'm all kinds of apathetic and pathetic and just general... ick. I'm pretty sure most of this post doesn't make any sense and I don't care about that either.

Just everything fuck off ok? I can't even hide under my blankets because I'll feel guilty for not doing anything. I can't even be depressed the right way. I've had people tell me I'm too hard on myself and they're probably right but who cares? Probably I'm supposed to but I can't right now. I just CAN'T.

I feel like screaming and crying and running and giving up and fighting and all of these things at the same time. I can't quiet my mind and just seem to be ok and I don't know why.

"You've had a lot of changes over the last few months, give yourself a break." 
"Maybe it's the time of year? I know it isn't easy for you around the holidays..." 
"Everything's going to be all right."