Consciousness

It's windy outside. The chimes are loud. An hour ago I was on the couch, my eyes heavy and threatening sleep. Now I lay with eyes wide open, my mind racing.

I can feel my heart rate go up as I struggle to focus on my breathing. In through my nose, slowly out through my mouth. Fuck those wind chimes are loud.

The cat next to me groan/growls as I turn onto my side. Clearly this king size bed isn't big enough for both of us.

I start playing with my lip, pulling the skin I've been chewing on. My fingers trace my mouth, critically finding every imperfection. A pimple? I thought I was too old for those.

Another cat at the base of the bed meows. His meow is plaintive, almost a yowl. He wants on the bed but the disgruntled elder cat will freak and he knows it.

I  could read for awhile I suppose but it's so late already and I have to work in the morning. I could take melatonin I guess, but the last time I did I got sick and now I'm paranoid it will happen again.

Still the chimes.  The last cat jumps from the window sill onto the bed, successfully passes grumpy pants and starts to purr. It's a comforting sound and much softer than the bells outside.

I could close the window but then the cool breeze that's been visiting will go away.  It feels delicious on my bare arms.

My eyes are getting a little droopy now...the chimes are being subdued by the wind... The cats are quiet....

Sleep....

I Don't Know

I can feel that things are going to change soon. It scares me and thrills me at the same time.

I often get this way this time of year. The buds of new beginnings are decorating dark tree branches and the sun is shining more. Changed from the gray skies that have been for months.

I want to talk to my dad about the things I want to do but I'm afraid he'll say what he always does. He doesn't understand why I don't have my license yet. Sometimes I don't either. I talk to him about everything but this...feels like I need to do it on my own. But do what?

I am so inspired by others. I've seen several friends take that scary plunge of doing something different and watched them spread their wings and fly.

My fear is that I'll start to fly and just keep flying until I'm so exhausted I don't know where I am and then...I fall. I suppose that's everyone's fear.

Every time I'm away from home, I don't miss it. That's always been a sign it was time to move on. But there are things that need to happen first and I understand that. But most of the time, I just want to say fuck it and run away. I suppose that's everyone's thought sometimes.

I've got to figure myself out.