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I can hear a couple arguing in the street outside my apartment. She's walking away from him, he's swearing. He says "Fuck you-I don't need you, " and then goes after her.

I can hear the people in the church across the street, praying for...?

I can hear people screaming from the carnival down the street.

I can smell the elephant ears from the carnival too. Cotton candy and popcorn mixed in.

I can smell the perfume I put on this morning and my shampoo from still wet hair when I take out my bun. I can smell sweat, trapped under my arms and mingling with Secret.

I can feel the tightness in my shoulders and back from a week of work catching up to me. I can feel my feet breathing, happy to finally be free of shoes and socks.

I can feel my stomach rumble slightly as I remember that lunch was several hours ago and I have steak in the fridge.

I can feel the words coming through my fingers and onto the screen but they don't mean anything.

I tell myself 'at least you're writing' but it doesn't really matter. I can't find my inspiration and haven't been able to for months. Seems like it should be easier by now. And I mean more than The Book I Haven't Written Yet. Capitalized because it's starting to feel like Voldemort.

I wonder how others feel about me, or if they do at all. I wonder about how I might succeed if I ever will. I wonder if any of it ever really matters, or if it ever did. I wonder if I'm too much sometimes, or if I'm not enough. I wonder if I'll ever know, or even if I should.


I wish I could turn my brain off to all the NOISE and then flip the switch to create what I envisioned so many months ago.

<twenty minutes later>

I guess this will have to do for now.

Whine

Do you ever just feel....sad all of a sudden? And then the sadness kind of tumbles into another sad thought and then another and then you're brow is furrowed with almost tears.

It usually starts with a thought of someone that isn't here anymore. Or of a life changing moment I haven't yet made.

Sometimes it's triggered from a song on the radio or a line from a movie.

It doesn't really matter-it just hurts.

I try to write then and all I can think about is how I'm not writing the book I promised myself I'd have written by winter.

Winter is coming and I promised myself I'd have more done by then. My Book isn't anywhere close to being complete. I've let work once more become my main focus on life and it's depressing, yet necessary.

I need to work to make money to write. I don't anticpate gaining any finances for My Book but just having it complete will mean more than money ever could.

I've lost touch with some of my friends-I haven't even talked to my friend that wants a baby in a long time and I can't think about how to tell him I don't know if that's what I want anymore. I don't even know for sure if that's what I don't want.

I guess I just don't know.

I work, I see a couple friends, I watch Netflix, I eat, I sleep....That's my life.

Fuck.