Every time I do something and I don't do it precisely right, I fear the result. I am afraid that I will be looked down on, thought less of, disliked or teased.
As a result, I strive for a trait that doesn't exist: perfection. I stress myself out. If I'm criticized, even constructively, I break down. I don't always let it show--I've learned not to let it show at work--but it's there. Inside, eating at my already fragile state of mind is that feeling of 'you're not good enough'.
I want to tell people that I feel this way, I want to ask them to try and understand but the fear holds me back again. I'm afraid I'll be seen as weak, erratic, irresponsible or ridiculous. It's a terrible feeling. I know where it stems from but knowing that doesn't make it feel any better.
In a lot of ways it makes it worse. Because in addition to accepting, and trying to understand these feelings, I have to acknowledge where they came from and that they've been here for a long time. Buried, afraid to come out but very present. And loud inside my head and heart.