By The Side of the Road

They're always there but it's easy to not see them. Sometimes they're small or engulfed in tacky plastic flowers. I've seen balloons and pinwheels and those candles they sell at the dollar store surrounding the base. When they're right at the off ramp, near the light that takes forever to change they seem to scream.

The roadside cross.

They used to make me feel sad. And if I'm being honest, a little perplexed. Why would someone chose to place a cross in such an ugly place? Why would you want a reminder of a tragedy? Why, each time you were on that road, would you want to see a shrine to your loss?

I would see those crosses, white against the black of the pavement and think about who they represented. I'd wonder how many died. If it was their fault. I'd hear the sirens, the crunch of metal, smell the smoke...

In the country, the crosses are nestled in brier, wooden and worn. They seem more peaceful but that might just be the quiet. The sounds of an accident can still echo across the fields but the cross stands alone, almost forgotten. Unseen.

When my friend died, it was on the highway. A tiny piece of the concrete jungle marks where he departed. I've driven past it, the last time being on the way to his funeral and I understand the roadside cross now.

I'm not a religious person, so a cross may not be the symbol I would choose to represent a loved one. But I get it. A cross represents faith and hope and love. Those are things we desperately need to be reminded of when we're grieving, mourning, or remembering a loss. Especially when it's so senseless...hope seems unattainable.

On the side of the road, a visual marker of the strength in remembering someone you cared for. A symbol of beauty in an ugly place, reminding all who see it that love exists and hope is eternal. The roadside cross.

Why wouldn't you want to see that?

Enough About Me

If someone says, "You're a nice person. People like you," I shrink inside, into myself and hear "No. That can't be true."  It's as though I physically can't accept a compliment.

My self esteem is non existent. My mouth says 'thank you' instead of something negative and sometimes, just briefly, I'll believe the compliment. The feeling leaves because I've turned the conversation to something else.  I make it leave.

Then I long for it again. So desperate to have acceptance, respect and

Let's talk about your weekend, your partner, your work, your feelings...anything but me.