Frustration. Resignation. Hesitation.
I can't believe letting go of him has been this hard. I'm almost, no I am, mad at myself for not being over him yet. Stupid, I know.
I want to hear his voice, touch his skin, lay next to him, walk with him, laugh with him....I want to be near him. And I try to remember the moments when I don't but they are harder to recall.
He drove me nuts with his need to be so very fucking logical. It was hard to be around him when he was especially introverted. But he was honest with me. Always. And its not always perfect.
Did I give up too soon? Did I run instead of fight? Is there anything I could have done? There's more then just, "he's an asshole", though that would be much easier.
Maybe we didn't understand each other. Maybe we never will. We talked briefly about another chance and my heart swelled with hope and possibility. But I still said no. And now I'm miserable.
I think of him constantly. I'm sure much more than he does of me. I need something to help me not...miss him so. Is it because I'm lonely? Is it because I'm afraid no one will love me again? Is it because I really just can't imagine anyone else? Who says I'm supposed to have someone anyway?
Live for me. Love yourself. I know these things and yet all the little tiny things that made us...us...haunt me. I long for small moments of being with him-anywhere.
What is my real challenge here? Its not fair to still feel this way. Each day goes by and I know his routines and I still want to be a part of them. I want to grow with him.
But is it the right thing to do? Something made me stop before. I have to remember that. Its so easy to ignore when my heart is screaming,"you may not have another chance!"
I want to tell him all these things but that's not fair either. None of this is fair.